Friday, October 5, 2012

life (layhf) | mom

I remember the first few weeks after Liam was born things felt different, but I didn't feel like a mom.  That feeling of motherhood that some women feel immediately didn't hit me as quickly.  It's not that I wasn't overjoyed by Liam's arrival, but I expected that motherly instinct to hit me as soon as he arrived and it didn't.  Instead I was overwhelmed by a quite difficult adjustment phase not having been mentally prepared for the pain of breastfeeding, recovery from a c-section, lack of sleep and the overall feeling of change.  It wasn't a bad change, but it was a change that for once in my life I wasn't prepared for.  I was worried that I wasn't bonding with Liam the way they explain in the books, but leave it to one of my best friends to make me feel better.  She told me that it wasn't until her son was about 3 months old that she was starting to feel that bond.  Immediately I felt like less of jackass - thanks Abs!

Liam has changed so much in such a small amount of time and I realize now that for the first month I may have obsessed a little too much about what I could be doing to make everything right.  I was trying to do what I normally do - take control of the situation when in reality, he was (and will be for awhile) the one calling all the shots.  As my friend Leigh so kindly reminded me, it's not about me anymore.  Even though mentally I reminded myself of that everyday I wasn't acting on it.  I was trying so hard to make every moment of Liam's life "by the book", when really we should be writing our own story.  I know now that just because it's in the books - doesn't mean it's right.

Now that Liam is a little over 2 months old I once again feel different, but this time it's for the better.  I finally feel like I'm a mom.  Little did I know, I felt it the whole time - I just didn't embrace it.  Those moments of anxiety wondering if I'm fit to be a parent, the random crying spells caused by fear that I didn't do something right - that's all a part of being a mom.  Not every moment of motherhood is all rainbows and butterflies, but I realize now that the best part of this whole adventure is that Liam lets me be his mom.  Even though I can sometimes be neurotic, paranoid and maybe borderline hypochondriac, he teaches me everyday about the joys of motherhood.

Thank you Liam for letting me be your mom.  You've redefined love and make each day 10 times better than the day before.  I am so lucky that you have come into our lives because you've opened our eyes to a love that we never knew existed.

Liam and mam


erin♥ said...

Love this post! Thanks for being so honest. Your journey really makes me look forward to ours when the day comes! ♥ Xx

DiamondsandTulle said...

Awww.... Love this post Tab! I'm a little late to catching up, but CONGRATS! Liam is beyond precious!

xx Vivian @

Ashleigh said...

So sweet and honest Tabs! Thanks got sharing!

V said...

Just what I needed to read today - I'm being induced next Thursday and am so worried about bonding with my baby. Thanks for being so honest and this just made me realize I have to do what's right for us, not what any book or anyone else says :)

Johanna said...

8great post tab - i love this and all so on point!

Jen @ redsolesandredwine said...

Wonderful post Tab. Miss you!